Thursday, August 1, 2013

This is me, around the age of 5 or maybe 6.  To you this might look the the face of a happy child.  And for the most part I think I was very happy.  Unfortunately, at this young and innocent age I was sexually abused.  I didn't realize that's what it was until sometime later.  In fact a long time later.  I do know that it had a very ill effect on my entire life. 
I find that even now after years of counseling and a profession of faith in Jesus.  I still struggle with the demons of my past.  I still carry anger, not that I wish to feel these emotions, they are in me and they are real and they haunt me day and night.  
I don't really know why I feel like I have to write about this.  I don't know if it's a continued journey of trying to heal from deep dark wounds.  I find myself spewing out accusations towards innocent bystanders. Or to those who maybe think they know me, and find they are shocked by something I say or do.  I confess, I am messed up!!!!  But not completely!  I have found comfort in praying, exercising, and re-connecting with life long friends.  My love for beading gives me hope, and such a feeling of accomplishment.  I always felt like a failure, like I couldn't ever accomplish anything.  Until I found my passion for bead weaving.  
My life is a long painful story, and I feel like I've wallowed in it long enough.  I confess I have a very hard time when I do things wrong.  Or I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  I find hope in God's promises to me in His Holy word.  So as I continue on my spiritual journey of hope and healing.  Pray for me if you pray, or think good thoughts and send them my way.        

10 comments:

Judy said...

Girls, I empathize with you. Same history. Took many years of bad choices, broken marriages, and lots of praying to show me that what happened to me was not my fault, that I was worthy and had value, and that God loved me no matter what. I have a saying hanging on my computer desk and I usually read it at least once a day. It reminds me to not look ahead, not behind, but relish the present, because that is all we have.
"You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future."

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