Thursday, August 1, 2013

This is me, around the age of 5 or maybe 6.  To you this might look the the face of a happy child.  And for the most part I think I was very happy.  Unfortunately, at this young and innocent age I was sexually abused.  I didn't realize that's what it was until sometime later.  In fact a long time later.  I do know that it had a very ill effect on my entire life. 
I find that even now after years of counseling and a profession of faith in Jesus.  I still struggle with the demons of my past.  I still carry anger, not that I wish to feel these emotions, they are in me and they are real and they haunt me day and night.  
I don't really know why I feel like I have to write about this.  I don't know if it's a continued journey of trying to heal from deep dark wounds.  I find myself spewing out accusations towards innocent bystanders. Or to those who maybe think they know me, and find they are shocked by something I say or do.  I confess, I am messed up!!!!  But not completely!  I have found comfort in praying, exercising, and re-connecting with life long friends.  My love for beading gives me hope, and such a feeling of accomplishment.  I always felt like a failure, like I couldn't ever accomplish anything.  Until I found my passion for bead weaving.  
My life is a long painful story, and I feel like I've wallowed in it long enough.  I confess I have a very hard time when I do things wrong.  Or I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  I find hope in God's promises to me in His Holy word.  So as I continue on my spiritual journey of hope and healing.  Pray for me if you pray, or think good thoughts and send them my way.        

3 comments:

Laura Turner said...

Cyndi,
I just read this and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. First of all, what you wrote leaves the door wide open for people to think that our Dad was the one you are speaking of because that is where most peoples thoughts go when someone makes a claim about being molested!! So I want to clear his name before anything else is said!!! Our Dad never would have done anything like that to any one of his daughters!!! EVER!!!! It also contradicts what is written in your bio... It says, and I quote " Crazy about looking at the positive side of things, and not dwelling on that which brings sadness". It seems to me that you are in fact dwelling on what makes you sad and that you are looking for some sort of response to it because you are putting it out there for all to see. I myself was molested at 8 by a neighbor so I feel your pain but I don't allow it to consume my thoughts or make me lash out at people. I don't use it as an excuse for my actions!! Stop looking for excuses and just own who you are!! If you don't like who you are...then don't be that person!! Love life...embrace every moment...life is fleeting!! Don't allow the devil to steal your joy honey!!! You are beautiful inside and out!! Let go of the past...because that's exactly what it is...the PAST!!! We've all been hurt in some way by someone...don't allow it to dictate who you are now!!! Be the creative, amazingly talented and gifted person that God intended you to be and do what you tell others to do with their problems....give it to God and let Him take care of it!!!! I love you so much C.J. and I will pray for you!!!

Your baby Sister Laura and your Big Sister Debra
We both love you!!

Judy said...

Girls, I empathize with you. Same history. Took many years of bad choices, broken marriages, and lots of praying to show me that what happened to me was not my fault, that I was worthy and had value, and that God loved me no matter what. I have a saying hanging on my computer desk and I usually read it at least once a day. It reminds me to not look ahead, not behind, but relish the present, because that is all we have.
"You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future."

Ostin Dagger said...

You look really pretty on the photo! And your blog is nice! My writer from http://pinkelstar.com/ has suggested me your blog to to find something beautiful for my girlfriend.